All Those Who Came Out Later

By Ben Hansen-Hicks (He/Him)

While Gen Z’ers are coming out earlier and earlier these days – which is wonderful, and deserves to be fully celebrated – it can feel, for some, that they’ve left it too late to come out of the closet.

We wanted to hear stories of those who came out slightly later in life, and so put the call out to our Copenhagen Pride social media followers to hear your experiences of coming out. Thank you to everyone who wrote in. We didn’t have space for it all, but here are our favourites – including our very own graphic artist and layout genius, Camilla.

We asked our interviewees the same 5 questions, and the responses are heart-warming – and sometimes heartbreaking – to read. Enjoy.

Please note, some of the responses have been lightly edited and condensed for clarity. These are personal stories, so sometimes darker themes are discussed.

Stephanie (She/Her)

When did you come out, and how did you feel?

I came out as transgender two years ago at the age of 45. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done for myself because I no longer had to hide the person I really am.

How is the person that you are today different from the person you were before you came out?

On the inside, I’m still the same person, with the same interests and sense of humour, combined with the fact that I’m also more at peace with myself on the outside. I’m still waiting for clarification on whether I can start hormone therapy at CKI (Centre for Gender Identity) at Rigshospitalet. I’m crossing everything I have and squeezing my lucky charm to get the green light. I got my new social security number and first name earlier in the late summer of this year, which makes it better and safer for me to be Stephanie.

Have your friends and family accepted who you are today?

I’ve experienced a big loss of friends and especially acquaintances, I have two friends and a few family members left who I feel support me 110%. Besides that, I of course have my girlfriend Maria, who is absolutely amazing, and the other two members of my band also don’t mind having a transgender bassist and singer.

Do you have any advice for someone who is a little older and is considering coming out?

Don’t wait, you’re not getting any younger and everyone has the right to pursue their dreams and make the best of life. So be/become the best version of yourself and you will succeed and be great.

Having said all this, coming out as transgender is definitely not always a bed of roses. Unfortunately, there are times when you experience things like harassment, name-calling, bullying and for some, even violence, but I’m completely at peace with my gender identity and sexuality, so no matter how much crap I take from the outside world, it only makes me want to fight back and stand my ground. Even though I don’t yet have the body of a woman, it doesn’t change the fact that I am a woman at heart and my name is Stephanie. Luckily, I mostly encounter kindness and understanding in everyday life, so all in all, it’s good.

Michael (He/Him)

When did you come out, and how did you feel?

I came out 3-4 months after I turned 30. I had set a deadline that it had to be done before I turned 30, so I almost made it, but it took a lot of effort. I just woke up one Sunday and was like “Today!”.

I went to my dad and told him that I had been doing some major soul-searching and had come to the conclusion that I probably wasn’t the one who was going to give him grandchildren. Unfortunately, he didn’t quite get my metaphor and asked if I was sick? I panicked and said “no, but it’s probably a bit difficult to get someone pregnant in the bum!” And then the penny dropped.

Afterwards, I felt great. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and that for the first time I could be honest about who I was.

How is the person that you are today different from the person you were before you came out?

In the beginning, I had a strong need to talk about it all the time. I was actually a bit annoying to be around, because everything you couldn’t talk about before, you could now, so I did – about everything. But I found a balance with it over time.

I’m more at peace with myself, saying no to things and treatment I wouldn’t have done before. I would go as far as to say that I respect myself. I probably didn’t before.

Have your friends and family accepted who you are today?

I was met with understanding and a lot of people, especially my family, made comments like: “We already knew that, haha”. And that really pissed me off. If they knew, why the hell hadn’t they made it a little easier for me? I can remember nights where I cried myself to sleep and prayed to a god I didn’t even believe in to wake up the next day and be “normal”. I could have done without that.

But I do understand, and in the conversations we have had since then, they have understood – that’s probably what I would advise others to do. Open the door wide for your children. Let them know they are loved no matter what.

Do you have any advice for someone who is a little older, and is considering coming out?

Do it. Nothing is written in stone. People’s understanding of sexuality is changing. We only have one life. Let’s not forget that.

I often regret not coming out sooner. Today, I see young couples walking hand in hand on the street, being open on social media, queer representation in the media, and I love the huge evolution that has happened since I was young. It makes me incredibly happy, but sad at the same time. Because I kind of feel like society stole that from me.

Camilla (She/They)

When did you come out, and how did you feel?

I came out twice, first as bisexual and after I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD at the age of 42, I also came out as non-binary.

I first tried to come out when I was 17, but a close friend – who was gay himself – told me that no one in the community liked bisexuals because they were greedy and unfaithful, among other things. As a result, I felt unsafe and went back into the closet.

In 2006, when I was almost 30, I attended a Harry Potter convention and a group of us went on a trip to a cabin before the main event. The first night we sat around the campfire and introduced ourselves. A few of the others mentioned their identities, which gave me the courage to finally say out loud that I was bi. No one batted an eyelid and I finally felt accepted for who I am.

It was a huge relief, like a weight being lifted off my shoulders.

How is the person that you are today different from the person you were, before you came out?

I feel much more free because I can be visible as the person I am.

In my work bag I have an umbrella in the colours of the bisexual flag. On a rainy day some time ago, I was waiting at a traffic light. Next to me, I spotted a person who, like me, was holding an umbrella in the colours of the bi flag. At that moment, we exchanged a look that simply said: “I see you”. Then the light turned green and we went our separate ways.

As an undiagnosed autistic and ADHDer, I often felt like I was cosplaying a persona in my daily life. This is something that many autistic people in particular experience, due to a feeling of being different and wrong. It’s called masking. And I masked as both neurotypical and as a girl/woman After I was diagnosed, I finally understood why I had never connected with the gender I was assigned at birth. Because even though I am AFAB (assigned female at birth, ed.), that’s not who I am on the inside. My female persona was a kind of shield that protected me in a binary world.

Have your friends and family accepted who you are today?

I can remember my son, when he was younger, asking me “How is it just straight people who don’t have to come out?” and then he just said “I want to come out as straight!”

But, then when he was 18, he came out as bi and then later on he came out as omnisexual.

Do you have any advice for someone who is a little older, and is considering coming out?

Do it – just be aware who you’re coming out to. Find your ‘safe space’ first and go from there. It’s just all about being comfortable with those you’re telling.