By Mie Hald
Photo: Patrick Perkins via Unsplash
I am not a virgin.
I’ve never had sex, nor do I ever want to. But I reject virginity.
I do this for multiple reasons. First of all, virginity is a social construct; I don’t have a hymen that’ll break during penetrative intercourse, a myth that actively harms girls and women throughout the world. Virginity can’t be checked – it doesn’t physically exist.
Second of all, virginity promotes purity culture. Having a lot of sex, having sex occasionally, with one or multiple partners, or not at all: It doesn’t matter. What matters is whether it’s safe, sane, and consensual.
I reject virginity, because being a virgin used to mean unmarried – put that in a biblical context, and the world would look a lot different.
Virginity is tied to a heteronormative, patriarchal society, one that I’ve rejected and one that I am actively fighting against—its worth is tied to what I do or don’t do with my genitals. I’ve been on the receiving end of pity from ‘progressive’ women who’ll tell me to be patient, and I’ve been disgusted by the sudden interest from creeps who’ve been eavesdropping on conversations with my friends.
I have nothing to be ashamed of. I don’t want sex. Yes, maybe I’ll change my mind – that’s not quite how asexuality works, but maybe I’ll meet someone and think, “Yeah, this is a nice person I trust, I want to try this.”
Maybe you’re thinking that this is an overreaction to nothing. Who even cares about virginity? Am I the only one bothered by this; how often is this even relevant?
It isn’t. Not in my daily life, at least. I don’t date because I don’t have any active desire for a partner. But I exist around people. I hear them talk, also about sex. I see movies and TV, I read books, and I feel how much emphasis is put on sex.
The world has gone mad for sex, and that’s fine. But the lack of sex isn’t the lack of life. I am not a virgin. I don’t want to have sex. I don’t want penetrative sex. And if that’s what it takes to lose your virginity, hell, a lot of people who exclusively have non-penetrative sex are still virgins, even if they’re sex workers or hypersexual.
I reject virginity because it makes me feel strong. I am not defined by my sexual history, and of all the labels I’ve involuntarily received, I’ll bury the ones that are used for harm. Words are weapons, and as their soldier, I’ll pick them wisely.